Quarantine Guilt

We are all in this together, Stay Home, Be safe…..these are the words to our current anthem. I have been in shelter at home mode since March 17th when I got laid off from job. Which makes this day 32. I have been out to buy groceries and get prescriptions but mostly I have been in my home. Like many I thought this was a 2 week lock down. I figured I could get so much done around the house. Nothing has been further from the truth.

The reality of being shelter in place with a 13 and 83 year old is that it takes all day to just keep them fed. I am the person that does the cooking at home usually anyway so why should this be any different? The difference is that my son is home and awake 20 hours a day and expects to be fed. On any given morning I cannot make him eat breakfast before the school bus picks him up. Or even pack a lunch. But now he requires breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And not cereal and a sandwich, he wants hot cooked meals.

I enjoy cooking so keeping my family alive is not that big of a deal. But what I hate is washing dishes. I do not have a dishwasher. That was never a big deal until now. I would ordinarily cook maybe 4 times a week. Now I am cooking 2 to 3 times a day! Cleaning up as I go seems logical, but it never seems to happen. So after every meal I end up with a sink full of dishes.

But I have discovered a few dirty dish savers over the weeks. The first is paper plates. I bought a giant pack of hefty plates and bowls from my local warehouse club. So I now am down to only having to was pots and pans and cups and flatware. But I have to admit I still eat on real plates and I don’t feel guilty. The best thing I have discovered is the one pot meal. While browsing through Pintrest I saw a scrumptious dinner. Upon deeper clicking through I discovered a whole category of one pot meals. It has been a life saver and cleanup is that much easier. I have even made some movies of me cooking. A new skill I learned. Movie making not cooking.

There was this self imposed expectation that I set on myself that I would get the house completely together, getting rid of old junk, cleaning out the garage and basement. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a procrastinator and easily distracted. That combination is lethal to the best laid plans. Then the guilt of failing to complete my plans became staggering. I had these grand plans in my head and when I was not able to meet my self imposed goals I felt bad. That feeling of failure left me immobile.

Let’s be real. It was not about failing to clean out the basement full of junk that has been accumulating for 13 years. Nor was it about failing to meet my goals. It was about the feeling of helplessness that comes with losing your job by no fault of your own. The feelings of uncertainty that comes with a silent virus that is debilitating and killing people around you everyday.

For months we have heard about Covid-19 killing people in Wuhan China and then decimating Northern Italy. I worked at the airport managing 2 restaurants. The normal cyclical drop off of business was very different at the very beginning of the year. But once the news started really covering this virus, travel really came to a slowdown. By the middle of February some airlines had already started cancelling as many as 20% of their flights. Once our borders between the US and China and Italy were closed, as they say shit got real! You can ask anyone that I worked with I continually asked why all International flights were not cancelled. You never know where people have been and who they have been exposed to. I am not a physic but I play one on TV.

So here we are 30+ days into solitude and I am learning to manage my expectations. Some days I manage to get 1 project done. Some days I binge watch the Hallmark Channel. I have given myself permission to not be productive. I try not to worry about if there will be a food shortage if we continue this way. Or if the government will cave and open the country before we have a way to stay virus free. All of this weighs heavy on the mind.

Even though shelter in place has essentially ended our 4H project period the animals still need to be cared for. So I have that to look forward to. There is such peace in spending your time feeding lambs, baby goats and piglets. I have even pulled out my cake decorating supplies and made a very fancy cake for Easter. I am learning to roll with the punches.

So the only thing that I HAVE to do is shelter in place and wear my mask if I have to go out. That lessens the burden on my mind. I may try a new hobby or I may finally clean out my junk drawer while watching Netflix. But regardless of what does or does not get done I give myself permission for that to be enough.

Yes, We Rodeo Big In the North!